My position:

When one gives a gift, one should do so without expecting anything in return. (And — slightly off the point — one should never give a gift out of obligation.) A verbal "thank-you" is as good (or better!) than a written thank-you.

For myself, I write thank-you notes only out of obligation. I also write them in special circumstances in which my gratitude toward somebody is especially strong. For example, when Jenn's parents hosted us at their house in Yakima, a thank-you note was completely warranted.

Maybe I have some yet-to-be-defined line across which a thank-you note is warrented for a gift or an action. Yet, I never would give a gift or perform an action with the expectation of receiving a "thank you" note. I give gifts and do things for people because I want to, not out of obligation. And because I want to, I don't expect anything in return.

I vote for #2.

It is all really confusing to me.

Let's say you go on vacation and ask a friend to watch your house for you. So you buy them a thank you gift in return. Of course they don't want to be thought of as uncouth, so they send you a thank you note for the thank you pineapple you gave to them.

Wouldn't it then be proper ediquette to send a thank you card in response to the thank you card you just received? Where do you draw the line?

If you only send out a thank you note in return for an actual gift (and not a card), then aren't you descriminating against card-givers? Do only those who wrap up gifts need to know that their thoughtfulness has been appreciated?

I demand equal rights for card-givers, now! We won't rest until all persons who give thoughtful tokens of their gratitude or affection are rewarded with thank you cards!

But yeah, I think its a gender thing.

The few times I've sent people thank you notes, it's always been because I was honestly thankful enough to send one. I hate how it's become some sort of faux pas not to send one. If everyone just sends thank-you notes everytime anyone does anything, they lose all value.

I'm a thank you note hypocrite: I hate writing them, but it's nice to receive them. The only instance that they're necessary for me, however, is when someone has sent you something and/or wasn't actually present when you received the gift. If it's possible to thank the giver in person, no note is required.

Oh good, I don't need to bother to write either of these two sons thank-you notes any more. -G- Actually, I came from a family where both examples were set. My mom rarely writes a thank-you to anyone, but her mother always wrote them, except during her last years when she was just too frail and ill. She is the one who taught me to write them. I may at times write them because I feel reason #1 is important, above, but more often it's because of a reason that wasn't given -- pure gratitude for the gift and appreciation of the giver. Is that a gender thing? I'd hate to think so . . .

As someone who has just recently written thank you notes to people (of which JD and Kris were recipients), I can tell you that I view thankyou notes as an honest expression of gratitude. I also think that it shows that you are civilized enough to know the social rules and you are willing to follow those rules. On the other hand, to answer Jeff's hypothetical, I would not send a thank you note for the pineapple, because the pineapple is itself an expression of gratitude, just like you wouldn't send a thank you note because you've received a thank you note. I'll check my Emily Post when I return home and post more if warranted.

I feel exactly like you do JD. There are times it's totally warrented. But Gregs family want thank- you notes over everything they do and I just can't keep up. I've thought of just writing an entire box ahead of time; all saying the same thing. Of course a box of miscellenous thank you notes would be needed so as not to look too generic! Anyway I'd just write, "Thank you so much for the gift. It was so thoughful of you!"
I'd address and stamp the envelopes and then all I'd have to do is thumb through till I found the right name and mail it off each time. Like a box of 15 cards would have five in it to his mom, five to his sister, and five to his brother. It would save so many hard feelings if I could get a system going. I just think thank you notes are outdated for the most part. I'm usually one to want to hold to tradition and all but that is one thing that could have stayed in the last century!

Tammy, use email. It's easy that way. Say it's Christmas and you have tons of thank-you notes to send? Just write a little non-specific gender-neutral blurb and stick everyone's address in the CC field. And if they want to send a thank you note for the thank you note, they can just reply. As a side benefit, they could click "Reply All" and send everyone a thank you note, which case everyone else could Reply All and etc, etc, until everyone's inbox explodes from the 300mb thank-you letter they're receiving.

And then no one will want to send thank-you letters anymore. Problem solved.

I like getting a thank you note/email/call. So sue me.

I especially resent not getting an acknowledgement if I have sent a gift to a distant person. There have been several recent occasions when I have even had to ask whether the gifts ever arrived. Things do sometimes get lost in the mail, and a thank you also serves as notice that the gift arrived safely. When a gift is presented in person, I agree, a verbal expression of gratitude may suffice. But if you are truly thankful for something, how hard is it to jot a few lines and stick it in the mail? I can remember one of my bad days suddenly becoming much sunnier when I opened a heart-felt thank you from a friend. She thanked us for a dinner party we had hosted, and her warm words made me re-live the wonderful evening we spent together and look forward to the next.

I also think that once they reach a certain age, children should be taught to write thank yous. Say, once they're in first or second grade and can actually write and read somewhat. I think it helps kids learn about the fun of giving when they are encouraged to recognize the giver of a gift.

Obviously, Jd and I go 'round & 'round on this one.

Kris said: Obviously, Jd and I go 'round & 'round on this one.

I'll leave it up to you, gentle reader, to guess which of us goes 'round most often...

I agree with Kris - I like thank yous and I think children should write them when they get old enough.

But I also agree with J.D. that gifts should be given for the sheer joy of giving the gift with no expectations attached....

Hmm...is that contradictory?

J.D. Thanks for the book:) It's amazing!

Kris, Thanks for the yummy rice krispy treats; I'll bring your jar back on Saturday, unless you don't want it.

Dude! What about the book WE GAVE YOU!
Friendship- Destroyed!

Now Joel, you should know you should be sending Mac a thank you note just for being invited to the party so that you could give a gift. How selfish of you!

Oh, the humanity. The Humanity!

Start your own weblog and I'll leave a comment thanking your for the book on it! Don't steal the Roth/Gates thunder! :)

I always try to do thank you notes for gifts, mainly because I really do appreciate the gesture (and like Kris said, it's good to acknowledge the arrival of a package that has been mailed). I make an especial point to send the notes to the older generation, because they're the ones who really care. My contemporaries I sometimes bypass.

However, after having a baby and writing endless notes when I'd rather be sleeping, I've decided that baby gifts shouldn't require thank yous. I'd like to write a thank you note dispensation in the baby card for gifts I give, but then I wonder if it's obnoxious to assume that a person would have sent a note at all. Which brings me back to the crux of your dilemma, J.D.

By the way, the New York Times had an article on Sunday about the extinction of the R.S.V.P. Is this "Examination of Polite Customs Week?"

I think, If the open the gift in front of the giver, a verbal Thank You is enough.
I am all for email and phone Thank you, too.

I love to give gifts and I don't love to write thank you notes. I think that each situation requires a facts and circumstances test. I also try to send thank yous to the "older" generation (not me) and people far away. I also send notes to people who expect them. It's not that big a deal to figure out who should get them. When you consider how many people get no gifts, I think it is a fairly minor "task" (if you see it that way) to say thank you in some form.

I never do notes to immediate family and never expect notes from people that I give to all the time (weekly). I guess my gift is a thank you to them for being my friend and being in my life, so no thank you necessary.