Warning: this entry contains foul language.

In the middle of December I received a bill for $5.30 from Sprint. There's nothing remarkable about this fact except that I've never had a Sprint account!

I hate that shit.

Without a moment of hesitation I dialed the customer service phone number on the bill. It only took a few moments to reach a live operator.

"There must be some mistake," I told her. "Why am I receiving this bill?"

The operator tried to explain. "Well, sir, the Federal government recently approved a monthly fee for certain types of accounts." Notice how this is said to make you believe the government is levying this fee.

"No," I said. "I don't care about all that. I mean why am I receiving this bill? I don't have a Sprint account. I don't think I ever have."

Click-click-click as the operator works with the computer. "Our records indicate that you had opened an account with us in 1995," she said.

I sighed. "Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. I don't have records from then," I told her. "Regardless, I certainly don't have an account now."

The operator was surprisingly agreeable. "No problem, sir. I'll remove the charge and close the account for you."

Simple, right?

In the middle of January I received a bill for $1.34 from Sprint. On December 28th, a credit of $9.30 had been applied to my account, but the account had not been closed.

I hate that shit.

Without a moment of hesitation I dialed the customer service phone number on the bill. It was impossible to reach a live operator.

"Please enter your home telephone number," announced the cheery computer menuing system. I did so. "We have no record of that number. Please try again." I tried again. "We have no record of that number. Good-bye."

Argh! I hate that shit.

I dialed the number again, but this time used our old Canby telephone number. It worked. I was forwarded to a seven-item menu. "Press seven for more options," announced the overly cheery voice. I pressed seven. A five item menu. I pressed five. A six item menu. I pressed six. At last an option to reach a live operator.

"Welcome to Sprint," she said. "May I have your home telephone number?"

"Do you want my home telephone number or do you want the number I'm calling about?" I asked.

She seemed confused. Eventually we sorted things out by using the customer number on the bill. "How may I help you today, Mr. Roth?" asked the operator.

"Why am I receiving this bill?" I asked.

"I show you have a balance of $1.34," she said. "This bill is for that balance due."

I'd long ago lost my patience. I hate phone menuing systems. "No, I said. Why am I receiving this bill? I don't have a Sprint account. I've never had a Sprint account. I called last month and you guys said you'd take care of this and close the account. I don't even live at this address anymore. What the fuck is going on?"

To the operator's credit, she handled my anger smoothly. "Very well, sir. Your account is now closed."

"Excellent!"

"Before you go, sir, can I ask you one question?" she said.

"What is it?"

"Would you like to hear about our Earthlink DSL for only $19.99 a month?"

"Hell no," I said, and I hung up the phone.

On the surface, this tale is a mildly amusing tale of one man against The System. Look deeper though, and it's a little scary.

The US Postal Service is only required to forward your mail to you for six months after you change your address. I'm not sure why they're still forwarding some of our mail (they're not forwarding all of it), but they are. If they hadn't forwarded these Spring bills, I never would have known about them. Sprint would have continued to bill me for months. Late charges would have accrued. Eventually this delinquent account would have been reported to a credit agency: a black mark on my record.

Frankly, I'm shocked that a company with which I have no relationship can just start billing me out-of-the-blue. It's bullshit.

In my righteous anger — tempered by my newfound fiscal responsibility (maybe I should start capitalizing that: Fiscal Responsibility) — I marched to a computer and searched for a way to obtain my credit report. (And let me tell you, that brings up a whole new set of rants; there are a thousand-and-one asinine companies trying to thwart google in order to get high pagerank for a search on "credit report".)

The real point of this post is this: I'm here to share from my experience.

I found a page from the Federal Trade Commission entitled Your Access to Free Credit Reports. It seems that the government has passed a law requiring the three major consumer credit reporting companies to each provide everyone with one free credit report per year. The catch is you have to ask. (A further catch is that only residents of the Western states can use this service at the moment. These free reports will be available to residents of other states later in 2005. Midwestern states will have access on March 1st, for example.)

Fortunately, the Federal government has created a web site to automate this process: AnnualCreditReport.com. You must provide a variety of current personal information, but once you do, you're able to obtain a report from each of the three major credit bureaus.

Note that this site seems to have a quick time out — maybe five minutes? — so that you shouldn't use it if you're distracted by kids or just doing general surfing or otherwise may forget that you've opened it. Use it when you have time to focus on it.

Also note that of the three credit bureaus, Equifax can't seem to get its web server to work. I've tried several times to get my free report from them, but am never able to complete the process. Experian and TransUnion work fine for me, though.

How's your credit? Do you have any Sprints out there trying to screw you over while you're not looking. Go take a look. If you're in the western U.S., it's free!

(My credit is spotless, by the way, but not as good as my wife's. When we were buying our house, our mortgage broker seemed very impressed by her credit score.)

On this day at foldedspace.org

2003 — Bob   There was a man by the pond, tearing up bread and feeding it to the geese and ducks and squirrels.