My nephew, Michael, is six years old. His father, Tony, is coaching Michael's t-ball team.

Tony sent me this e-mail recently:

Just thought I would update you all on Michael's first game. There where ten kids on are team and fifteen on the other, every kid on both teams got to bat and run all the way home. This math problem might stump JD...what was the final score of the game?

Those of you with young children probably know the answer. I'll explain the math to everyone else: it was a TIE!

Kris and I ventured to Portland's west hills to watch Michael in action last night. I'd never seen t-ball before; niether had Kris. I wish I'd taken my camera.

T-ball is the ultimate in extreme sports. It's a mad riot of noise and disorganization. Superficially, the game resembles baseball, but with some important differences.

Most obviously, the ball is hit from a tee. Sometimes. (Other times it is struck at and missed.) There are only three innings. There are no outs. An inning is over when every batter on both teams has scored. When a hit is made, the runner may only take one base, unless the runner is the last batter of the inning, in which case the hit is a home run.

Whereas there's no crying in baseball, there's lots of crying in t-ball. There's crying if everyone else gets to pick up the ball except you. There's crying if you don't want to play third base. There's crying if you're tired. There's crying if you're hungry. There's crying if you have to go to the bathroom.

(Note: you should actually refuse to come out of the game if you have to go to the bathroom. Hold it. Cry a little, but hold it. Take your turn batting. When you're on first base, clutch your crotch to help hold it. When you're on second base, clutch your crotch to help hold it. When you're on third base, clutch your crotch to help hold it. Run home doubled over, veer for the dugout (failing to touch home plate), and run for the bushes.)

Other things we noticed:

• There were a couple of boys playing outfield (which is basically on the baseline between second and third) who could not keep their hands off each other. They had no conception that they were playing a game. They spent the entire time poking and prodding each other, wrestling, being total goofs. Coachal intervention was futile.
• The third base coach — whose duty it was to say, "No, stand there. Wait. No, stay on the base. Come back. Put your helmet back on. Okay, go go go!" — for our team was very popular among all the kids. They all chatted with him and laughed.
• Gender differences aren't pronounced at this age. In general, the boys were a little more adept than the girls at the various aspects of the game, but it wasn't significant. In fact, one of the girls (Samantha) on our team was better than most of the boys. She could catch (something that most of the kids couldn't do), and she could throw with remarkable accuracy. (I don't recall how she hit.) It would be great if Samantha were encourage to pursue baseball/softball; she has some nascent skill, and she seems to enjoy it.
• The kids' favorite part of the game was the end. Why? They got choclate chip muffins, goldfish crackers, and juice in a box.
• Remember that grade school chant: "We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher!"? Well, we heard the reverse of that last night: "We want a batter, not a broken ladder!" Never heard that before.

"That wasn't at all what I had expected," Kris said as we walked back to the car "I somehow thought it would be more like a game."

"It was exactly what I thought it would be," I said. "I took Tony's description and then imagined what it would be like if each team had a dozen Harrisons. It was pretty much what we just saw."

The game ended in a tie, of course. Michael's team is unbeaten this year. Of course, they haven't won a game, either. They've tied all four opponents, and I expect their remaining four games will end in ties, too.

On this day at foldedspace.org

2004 — The Thirteenth Labor   I'm faced with the biggest logistical challenge of my career.

2003 — Asia   Before my love affair with U2, I had a fling with Asia.

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