Toads-in-the-Hole

The scene opens in a mauve and gray boardroom, lit by gently buzzing fluorescent lights. Two long conference tables are positioned side-by-side in the center of the room with several chairs neatly tucked under the tabletop. A small wall clock reads 6:58. A cheerful looking woman, wearing maybe twelve identification badges and university-style t-shirt promoting the hospital to illustrate her authority, is struggling with a television and VCR in one corner of the room. Pregnant women and men in various states of winter dress and physical discomfort wander into the room …

Joel (within moments of sitting down, noticing a small cart laden with muffins and juices): Do you want a muffin?
Aimee (aghast): No! Nobody’s offered us a muffin yet!
Joel: Well, they’ve written “prenatal” on the plastic wrap, and we’re prenatal!

Later, the instructor explains factors that affect labor progression.

Instructor: Sometimes the size and shape of a Mom’s pelvis can affect labor progression. Sometimes, Moms are just too small. It’s a freak thing.

One wonders if use of the word 'freak' at any time during perinatal period is appropriate.

Another helpful tip from our instructor to illustrate the change in cervical size during labor was the visual images of imagining one’s cervix grow from the size of a ketchup bottle neck to the size of a mayonnaise jar neck. Joel, recognizing my intolerance of mayonnaise, helpfully suggests, “You don’t have to picture a mayo jar if you’d prefer not to.”

During this class, we received many helpful packets containing how-to guides, advertisements and formula coupons. One packet, printed by diaper mogul Pampers, offered several suggestions for the first weeks postpartum, e.g. “New parents sometimes feel overwhelmed and out of touch with the rest of the world. You can help ease the stress of this time by planning ahead to have some support.” A worksheet follows these thoughts with some direct questions:

1. Who will help you after you go home?
What will they do?
How soon will they be available?
2. Who will do the following?
Cooking
Laundry
Housecleaning
Grocery shopping … etc.

Who, indeed!?! Terrifying questions, especially when we consider that with the addition of EthelRed to our cramped household, any live-in help would have to be a three-inch tall fairy. Who in Toadsland is ready to sign up?

The Pampers guidebook also asks: "Who is a good listener and will want to hear your birth story?" A dark question that strikes to the heart of new parent vulnerability ... Who knew that Pampers was so thoughtful?

Later, during a break, the muffins and juice were finally offered. Joel turned to me and said, “Other men are getting their ladies water. Do you want water? I want to be like them.”

And isn’t that what Childbirth Preparation is all about, after all? Our universal needs for re-assurance, affirmation, and glasses of water.